Tuesday, April 6, 2010

under a cloud...

You know how sometimes we write/read only about all the lovely things that inspire, ignite, infuse us with wonder, and how things are great and so uplifting...well, if we really stop and look in the mirror, that is not true to life all the time (more often sometimes)..so instead of a light spirited, inspirational post about my trip to the desert (which was by all purposes anticipated to be both those) I will say it like it is:

Over the past weekend:
This is what was experienced in my wee world:
Fevers reached 102+ in a boy with a heart condition...bringing a Mum (me) back to a dark place...
*Note to self, use art to face the fears and anxiety from years ago now resurfaced.
Ice in faceclothes on forehead all night, cool baths at 1 a.m.
Sitting on knees doing Yoga moves on the floor at 2 a.m. with a heavy heart...
Sleeping less than 20 hours in over 5 nights.
Keeping a positive front for sibling.
Trying to not think of how far we were from our doctor & home.
Spending Easter morning in Urgent Care.
Laying awake at 3 a.m., turning on the light in a cramped corner to write in a journal of saving grace.
Crying at dawn and wanting someone, anyone, to tell me what to do...
Realizing (again) that motherhood is so achingly wonderful and so so unknown....we learn every minute something new.
Driving home early with one, leaving another child to have the most memorable life experience with a Granan, but the longest time apart from a Mum...
Holding back tears driving away and smiling with the knowledge my little girl is fine, having fun and well loved...
And so it is Spring Break and I am not in the desert, soaking up the inspiration and feeling the love of those so dear...

I am home with my little man, caring and nurturing, loving and living in the moment...be it a card game, art, movie, book...this is where i am finding inspiration in this time...and so sometimes where we expect it the most, and where we desire it so deeply, does not always come out as planned and then we end up in a place which delivers something quite different, but all the same rewarding.

Here is to a surprisingly wonderful life!

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